Time out, refresh, reflect...

Got away for the weekend with the people doing the Alpha Course at church. Good to get away and refocus.
Got some things coming up, been painful and i've barely even scratched the surface, digging into things I couldn't even bear remembering at one point though it was allways there gnawing at me.
Talking to friends about anger issues and a vigilante type of attitude the whole 'thats makes you as bad as them' doesn't help when you're talking about a little boy trapped and desperate to get away after what was done to him and his friends who found a way out and can't allow himself to remember what happened or what he did to get away from them, feeling guilty because he couldn't help the others.
I know everyone goes through hard times, and has felt pain, letting go is easier when you know what you are letting go of and I am only starting to really see what it is I have been holding onto.

Post Trauma Climactic Oblivion

Gone from angry to somewhat apathetic, got to let some things sink in, seems as though I can use will power to do and not do certain things, but to want anything to feel anything I am subjected to someone stepping in with 'thats not allowed' 'its all in your imagination' 'too bad you can't have it, we can have what we want and what we want is to see confined in a little box.
At least I got confirmation that someone does read what I put in here, someone that likes to eat ice cream when its raining - thanks for letting me know that you hear me and thought enough to talk to me about it even if you may not understand what I am going through at the moment, I don't know you that well but I do think you are more a friend then some that are more like associates although they use the friend and family labels.

(18 Apr) I Believe...

God wants to - lead me, speak to me.
I can - admit what I see is not God, what I hear is not God's voice.
People will - stop trying to peak on God's behalf and let God speak.

How long has it been? cycling through this phase of questioning and whatever...
Put some thoughts up here though chances are nobody I know sees it so the point of saying it at all is???
Been in one of those moods again, no I mean really ANGRY. Try to say things they come out wrong, to get somebody's attention but not too hard because then I have to deal with she don't want to talk to me.
And meanwhile the rest of life is moving along, can this one thing really be bothering me that much? Why is it? could it be that I got 50+ msgs from girls I don't know willing to ... but nearly collapse going up to one in particular, well face to face is different.
I have no idea who could be reading this, doesn't matter.
A friend went on a rampage recently over similar issues, I restrained myself but still pissed off.
Came close to stomping on someones head, apparently the fact that i like an asian girl means I should be killed, be nice if someone had the guts to act on this type of thing, it would be satisfying to beat them to a bloody pulp even if it gets me locked up for a long time.
A straight answer will at least give indicator that optimism is based on delusion. Conflicting thoughts, tried to get it sorted out in a pathetic little sms still waiting on a reply. Then why is it so hard to just go up and talk to her? Maybe it is easier to go on a rampage, and see who will visit me in jail.
Got real potential to be a newsworthy psychopath, but honestly I would rather a family in a nice area with lots of trees and room for pets to run around.
A friend asked what am I waiting for, what is holding me back from what I want, well the games involved in dealing with people, expectations to do things and neglect what gives some happiness in my life.

(11 Apr 2007) I Believe...

God Wants To - renew my thinking back to HIS intention, all the thoughts, patterns, cycles set to HIS purpose in creating me.
I Can - perceive GOD working on the processes in my head and the environment I am in & spur me on to break through the barriers.
People Will - see what has been/is being reset and respond to it & allow their thoughts/ patterns to be reestablished to HIS purposes.

(04 Apr 2007) I Believe...

God wants to - lead us to be his sons/daughters by which the creation will be restored.
I can - start to see beyond and in the midst of all.
People will - follow when they see clearly before them.

So much in life that happens with no sense to it?
Pain and vomiting but I am not sick. It is easy to hurt people, too easy, somehow to get them close is difficult.
Have cause some trouble mainly because of I person I can't get close to, feel not welcome there at times, tolerated but not wanted, I see others can get time - the effort of leaving the house. Can't get attention any other way so I have to cause pain and destruction.
Life is so full of games, don't want to play games, just want to be close to those I feel close to without having to go by some stupid rule book.