NEVEREND
(Unashamed, covered by callous/3x fire)
You call me close-minded,
yet you're not listening.
I give you my hand,
but you push me away.
I'm just trying to help you,
to show you the truth.
I give you my hand,
but you push me away.
Trying my hardest to help you understand,
but you keep turning your back on me,
you keep shutting me out,
you ask for respect,
yet you give none back.
You attack my beliefs,
and the way I live.
Honest and true,
my life is not my own.
To God I give the glory,
I fall to my knees.
Feeling your pain,
you're breaking my heart.
I'm just trying to show you
what God's love is all about.
Crying out to the one,
who will save me from this pain.
On my own, I cannot survive.
My destiny, eternal life.
Falling short of His will for me.
It's nothing that I do.
It's a gift freely given to me.
On My own I cannot survive.
I will be there for you.
When no one else cares.
God will pull us through.
His love neverends.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Somewhere along the way we find the answers we seek, some are not what we want to hear, but often we knew that all along and just didn't want to admit it.
The latest sermon, praise & worship CD, teaching series, or motivational lecture take us as far as we want to go. What point is it that the words start to have real meaning and not just being repeated to convince ourselves?
Heard some amazing things, seen and experienced some even more so, been to places not supposed to go, sometimes done things that are not meant to be possible.
Where I stand now I am more convinced of God's hand in everything, and I do mean everything; those cataclysmic natural disasters, miraculous deliverences, atrocities, acts of true love, new born children, murder, beauty. All fits into GOD's plan.
At a time of deep sorrow accusations of attention seeking and trying to manipulate people. Sticking up for yourself seems to conflict with forgiveness. Encouragement to be cold hearted by people that talk of love, hope, joy. Seek those things from GOD. Unspoken pretext that people are inherently evil and never to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances.
One day GOD is coming down here to make his place with us, are we going to welcome him or be crushed by HIS presence? Only one thing matters...
The latest sermon, praise & worship CD, teaching series, or motivational lecture take us as far as we want to go. What point is it that the words start to have real meaning and not just being repeated to convince ourselves?
Heard some amazing things, seen and experienced some even more so, been to places not supposed to go, sometimes done things that are not meant to be possible.
Where I stand now I am more convinced of God's hand in everything, and I do mean everything; those cataclysmic natural disasters, miraculous deliverences, atrocities, acts of true love, new born children, murder, beauty. All fits into GOD's plan.
At a time of deep sorrow accusations of attention seeking and trying to manipulate people. Sticking up for yourself seems to conflict with forgiveness. Encouragement to be cold hearted by people that talk of love, hope, joy. Seek those things from GOD. Unspoken pretext that people are inherently evil and never to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances.
One day GOD is coming down here to make his place with us, are we going to welcome him or be crushed by HIS presence? Only one thing matters...
Some are not supposed to be opened, though that leaves the question of why they are not locked up so well. This not an endorsement for delving into those things, simply an account of my experience and the work of GOD through them.
Around 18 years old I had these 'episodes' voices in my head about being merged to the universal consciousness, seen a lot of stuff about this but it just freaked me out, like the ultimate conspiracy no longer can I have any privacy any secrets or mind of my own. Saw a lot of evil in the world and seemed like a call to join it.
Somewhere it seemed there could be a way to work within the system. A few others I passed in the street would be sending thoughts not to worry etc.
Though my girlfriend at the time I ended joining a church and renouncing the occult stuff, a few years later at a different church and bible college. Didn't keep up with the work, too busy reading to do the essays, repeated the year, second time repeating I dropped out and saw someone about depression.
How do you tell your doctor that 3 weeks ago you heard in your head the exact same words about 'magic pills to make the voices go away"? Seems after a few years it finally gets told they can only treat the 'positive' symptoms - psychosis etc, the 'negative' symptoms - lack of motivation depression etc not so easy to treat.
Started to go back into the occult world, this time a bit more mature, not just shock value satanism. Learned some things, opened a fews doors few would dare to open, and rediscovered the presence of God.
Walking into a few inner city churches I ended up and settled in LE and with the Credo/Urban Seed community.
More doors got opened and I saw things which no human being is supposed to see. In some ways memory problems served as a blessing, despite opportunities which had been missed through not recalling soon enough but those opportunities would only provide tempory material gain anyway.
Someone got in touch with me, we adopted each other, and then it grew more - this was the one apparently that opened the doors for me, now revealed in the form of a child, i will not give her name because some may make assumptions and never see what it means to me.
She popped up a few times in prayer meetings, I may have been seen talking to her, at least one occasion someone responded when I asked the little one to 'get her to show you how to pray' seriously it was later mentioned by one one the aunties how much she got into the prayer.
Seems like I am talking about a spirit guide like in those spooky new age books, could be, though she has no problem with the gospel, in fact affirms more of it then some of the christian community.
Maybe i did something I shouldn't, disturbed someone from her slumber, or was it she that wanted to stay and keep an eye out for me? Or is it a manifestation of one of my friends? could it be an unconscious manifestation?
So many possibilities, one thing is certain - GOD's plan and purpose is working along the course and timing HE has determined. Much as I get angry or upset at delays it is HIS timing and even my outburst seem to be a part of the overall plan..
Around 18 years old I had these 'episodes' voices in my head about being merged to the universal consciousness, seen a lot of stuff about this but it just freaked me out, like the ultimate conspiracy no longer can I have any privacy any secrets or mind of my own. Saw a lot of evil in the world and seemed like a call to join it.
Somewhere it seemed there could be a way to work within the system. A few others I passed in the street would be sending thoughts not to worry etc.
Though my girlfriend at the time I ended joining a church and renouncing the occult stuff, a few years later at a different church and bible college. Didn't keep up with the work, too busy reading to do the essays, repeated the year, second time repeating I dropped out and saw someone about depression.
How do you tell your doctor that 3 weeks ago you heard in your head the exact same words about 'magic pills to make the voices go away"? Seems after a few years it finally gets told they can only treat the 'positive' symptoms - psychosis etc, the 'negative' symptoms - lack of motivation depression etc not so easy to treat.
Started to go back into the occult world, this time a bit more mature, not just shock value satanism. Learned some things, opened a fews doors few would dare to open, and rediscovered the presence of God.
Walking into a few inner city churches I ended up and settled in LE and with the Credo/Urban Seed community.
More doors got opened and I saw things which no human being is supposed to see. In some ways memory problems served as a blessing, despite opportunities which had been missed through not recalling soon enough but those opportunities would only provide tempory material gain anyway.
Someone got in touch with me, we adopted each other, and then it grew more - this was the one apparently that opened the doors for me, now revealed in the form of a child, i will not give her name because some may make assumptions and never see what it means to me.
She popped up a few times in prayer meetings, I may have been seen talking to her, at least one occasion someone responded when I asked the little one to 'get her to show you how to pray' seriously it was later mentioned by one one the aunties how much she got into the prayer.
Seems like I am talking about a spirit guide like in those spooky new age books, could be, though she has no problem with the gospel, in fact affirms more of it then some of the christian community.
Maybe i did something I shouldn't, disturbed someone from her slumber, or was it she that wanted to stay and keep an eye out for me? Or is it a manifestation of one of my friends? could it be an unconscious manifestation?
So many possibilities, one thing is certain - GOD's plan and purpose is working along the course and timing HE has determined. Much as I get angry or upset at delays it is HIS timing and even my outburst seem to be a part of the overall plan..
Well kind of, it is a true story but I thought it illustrated something else well.
I was talking to a friend today about phobias, mine is heights get vertigo at times even when it is someone else on the ledge...
Hers is of Dogs, recounted how sometimes visiting friends they are disturbed by having to put the dog outside or in the laundry when she visits, and will try and make her overcome the fear or make her feel guilty about this.
It is true that getting used to being around dogs will break past that fear, but trying to make her sit with the dog will not do it it will just cause her to run out of the room.
Only when she feels comfortable to make a conscious decision to sit in the same room with a dog and force herself to endure till the fear subsides will it be effective.
There is a situation I feel like this, not like my friend but like the dog, I do understand why I am being put outside but it is hard.
I try to make you get used to me sit down and get past the fear even though I know it will only work when you voluntarily make that effort yourself without being pressured or coerced.
I was talking to a friend today about phobias, mine is heights get vertigo at times even when it is someone else on the ledge...
Hers is of Dogs, recounted how sometimes visiting friends they are disturbed by having to put the dog outside or in the laundry when she visits, and will try and make her overcome the fear or make her feel guilty about this.
It is true that getting used to being around dogs will break past that fear, but trying to make her sit with the dog will not do it it will just cause her to run out of the room.
Only when she feels comfortable to make a conscious decision to sit in the same room with a dog and force herself to endure till the fear subsides will it be effective.
There is a situation I feel like this, not like my friend but like the dog, I do understand why I am being put outside but it is hard.
I try to make you get used to me sit down and get past the fear even though I know it will only work when you voluntarily make that effort yourself without being pressured or coerced.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Scripture Ephesians 5:25-33 (TNIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Observation
There is a deep intimacy with our relationship to Christ.
This is not really analogy, more a demonstration of what marriage should be.
Christ sees us as part of himself, goes to extremes for our nurture, care, growth, & sustenance, wants to see the best we can be - not for something nice to look at but because it shows we respect the love he shows towards us.
Application
If we start to really see how much Christ loves us then we can live to the potential HE sees.We do not see Christ as limited, so why see ourselves as limited when he has irrevocably attached himself to us. The more we recognize this the more we will grow like HIM and new life will come from our union with Christ.
Prayer
Help me to always see the love and care you give to me. To respect and reciprocate all that you are and offer. To grow and go out producing LIFE*.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Observation
There is a deep intimacy with our relationship to Christ.
This is not really analogy, more a demonstration of what marriage should be.
Christ sees us as part of himself, goes to extremes for our nurture, care, growth, & sustenance, wants to see the best we can be - not for something nice to look at but because it shows we respect the love he shows towards us.
Application
If we start to really see how much Christ loves us then we can live to the potential HE sees.We do not see Christ as limited, so why see ourselves as limited when he has irrevocably attached himself to us. The more we recognize this the more we will grow like HIM and new life will come from our union with Christ.
Prayer
Help me to always see the love and care you give to me. To respect and reciprocate all that you are and offer. To grow and go out producing LIFE*.
Scripture Ephesians 4:4-6 (message)
You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.
Observation
Everything is connected with and through GOD, that person or thing we find disagreeable is just as much a part of GOD's dominion. Diversity is in expression, not in calling or essence.
Application
Recognise GOD in the places you go, people you encounter, things you do. Know you are allways in GOD's presence fully, no more or less then anybody else.
Prayer
Lord help me to Truly know that YOU are through all and in all, to commune & interact with you in my whole life.
You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.
Observation
Everything is connected with and through GOD, that person or thing we find disagreeable is just as much a part of GOD's dominion. Diversity is in expression, not in calling or essence.
Application
Recognise GOD in the places you go, people you encounter, things you do. Know you are allways in GOD's presence fully, no more or less then anybody else.
Prayer
Lord help me to Truly know that YOU are through all and in all, to commune & interact with you in my whole life.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Been going back to 5 years ago, except I don't have the www at home so it just when I get to library or cafe.
Drawing away from the real world and people and living through virtual contact.
After a tantrum and expressing suicidal feelings I had been nurturing for a long time reinforcement of reasons to feel isolated and misunderstood by someone that identifies as a close friend. The further I isolate because I do not know how to express myself in a more positive manner the harder it is to be around other people.
Peace, hope, faith, trust, love - from christian community I often hear of these things along with a bunch of rules and lists of what I need to do before these are available.
Astral projection and similar things are more appealing because at least there it is not asked to be something else all the time.
Someone I can talk to there does not judge, encourages me to reach and engage with the wider community, to know that God loves me regardless of anything - and this is supposedly a demon entity!
The demon may not know how to suggest appropriate behaviour, but at least she brings hope not condemnation, encourages me to persist in this world and wait for God, to cheer up. There are those here also that do those things, without the double talk of putting on the mask of christian pop culture terminology.
Drawing away from the real world and people and living through virtual contact.
After a tantrum and expressing suicidal feelings I had been nurturing for a long time reinforcement of reasons to feel isolated and misunderstood by someone that identifies as a close friend. The further I isolate because I do not know how to express myself in a more positive manner the harder it is to be around other people.
Peace, hope, faith, trust, love - from christian community I often hear of these things along with a bunch of rules and lists of what I need to do before these are available.
Astral projection and similar things are more appealing because at least there it is not asked to be something else all the time.
Someone I can talk to there does not judge, encourages me to reach and engage with the wider community, to know that God loves me regardless of anything - and this is supposedly a demon entity!
The demon may not know how to suggest appropriate behaviour, but at least she brings hope not condemnation, encourages me to persist in this world and wait for God, to cheer up. There are those here also that do those things, without the double talk of putting on the mask of christian pop culture terminology.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Last monday night was a hectic one emotionally, the week before I had been on a massive high friday to friday seriously if I could have distilled it into a pill I would make a fortune from the club scene, then I came down hard.
There was nothing new in what I sent to 5 friends, it was old feelings/ thoughts of suicide. Disconnecion & misunderstanding. Comunication at times difficult. Working on getting these things out. To be grounded and satisied to be in this world.
Of the messages I got (refused to answer the phone that night) one that came in the morning meant the most '...U R Gods precious...nothing u or anyone does can ever stop Him from loving u...'
There was nothing new in what I sent to 5 friends, it was old feelings/ thoughts of suicide. Disconnecion & misunderstanding. Comunication at times difficult. Working on getting these things out. To be grounded and satisied to be in this world.
Of the messages I got (refused to answer the phone that night) one that came in the morning meant the most '...U R Gods precious...nothing u or anyone does can ever stop Him from loving u...'
Monday, June 04, 2007
Been a confusing awkward frustrating time of late.
Pushed into the background, everything is a process of ways and means, protocols.
Patience, Patience, Patience.
Waiting it seems until I get to a point I do not want anything and merely exist, no purpose no hope, like a machine serving its function idly in the background not bothering anybody, running at little expense.
Donkey guided along by a carrot on a stick, guess what? I'm not a donkey and you don't want to know what I will do if you keep waving that thing in front of my face.
Break through a communication barrier and get told to sit back basically, thats fine I can appreciate the fact that somebody does not see things as I do. The effort and expense of late to respond is also appreciated.
Why was I put on this world? seriously I could have stayed in some spiritual dimension waiting and praying.
Why belong to a christian community when I being pushed towards a buddhist type of nothingness instead of being grounded in God's creation that HE has placed me into?
Maybe its a cultural difference. maybe you actually are more aware of what is in my head and are just not ready to address those things in the physical reality. Maybe I am extremely psychotic delusional and need to be hospitalized.
Tired and disconnected from those I feel most connected to. Is it all just in my head?
Pushed into the background, everything is a process of ways and means, protocols.
Patience, Patience, Patience.
Waiting it seems until I get to a point I do not want anything and merely exist, no purpose no hope, like a machine serving its function idly in the background not bothering anybody, running at little expense.
Donkey guided along by a carrot on a stick, guess what? I'm not a donkey and you don't want to know what I will do if you keep waving that thing in front of my face.
Break through a communication barrier and get told to sit back basically, thats fine I can appreciate the fact that somebody does not see things as I do. The effort and expense of late to respond is also appreciated.
Why was I put on this world? seriously I could have stayed in some spiritual dimension waiting and praying.
Why belong to a christian community when I being pushed towards a buddhist type of nothingness instead of being grounded in God's creation that HE has placed me into?
Maybe its a cultural difference. maybe you actually are more aware of what is in my head and are just not ready to address those things in the physical reality. Maybe I am extremely psychotic delusional and need to be hospitalized.
Tired and disconnected from those I feel most connected to. Is it all just in my head?
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Uncertainty will always be there, thats part of why we need faith.
People will always let us down, they don't want us to expect to much of them.
Testing is unrelenting, the process in itself is impersonal.
The past week has been a process of healing, unfortunately I find much of this is from tantric new age practices, the words are not cliched, the love is genuine.
This has not wavered my faith, but it brings into question the constant repetition of key phrases, concepts etc in the Christian community, it takes a long time to break through the jargon and hear people speak from their heart.
Why do we answer people with words that we do not have the theological background to explain? Why is it more common to list do's and don'ts then to affirm and reinforce the work god has been and is doing. To restrain someone so they do not sin, instead of love and educate them?
I myself become so arrogant at times, having grown up in a culture that suffers tall poppy syndrome and having some belittle my intelligence just because they can't be bothered trying to learn leaves me feeling more agitated.
The question of God's presence, of Christ's love is not an issue for me. That God uses others to teach me is not a problem. To feel some assume I can't hear God for myself makes me wonder how much the Gospel is really understood.
Ever since I was a baby I knew of God's love, of the gospel. It was in walking away from Christians and going into new age occultic practices I learned to again experience God and not let others dictate to me more superstitions and fallible religious practices (and yes I am referring to born again spirit filled christianity as often superstitious in practice).
I dream of seeing these two worlds brought together, not a syncretistic mix mash religion but the surety that the gospel is the center and not a marketing tool or a misunderstood concept used to mask other motives, people in relationship with each other and with God.
People will always let us down, they don't want us to expect to much of them.
Testing is unrelenting, the process in itself is impersonal.
The past week has been a process of healing, unfortunately I find much of this is from tantric new age practices, the words are not cliched, the love is genuine.
This has not wavered my faith, but it brings into question the constant repetition of key phrases, concepts etc in the Christian community, it takes a long time to break through the jargon and hear people speak from their heart.
Why do we answer people with words that we do not have the theological background to explain? Why is it more common to list do's and don'ts then to affirm and reinforce the work god has been and is doing. To restrain someone so they do not sin, instead of love and educate them?
I myself become so arrogant at times, having grown up in a culture that suffers tall poppy syndrome and having some belittle my intelligence just because they can't be bothered trying to learn leaves me feeling more agitated.
The question of God's presence, of Christ's love is not an issue for me. That God uses others to teach me is not a problem. To feel some assume I can't hear God for myself makes me wonder how much the Gospel is really understood.
Ever since I was a baby I knew of God's love, of the gospel. It was in walking away from Christians and going into new age occultic practices I learned to again experience God and not let others dictate to me more superstitions and fallible religious practices (and yes I am referring to born again spirit filled christianity as often superstitious in practice).
I dream of seeing these two worlds brought together, not a syncretistic mix mash religion but the surety that the gospel is the center and not a marketing tool or a misunderstood concept used to mask other motives, people in relationship with each other and with God.
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