Been a confusing awkward frustrating time of late.
Pushed into the background, everything is a process of ways and means, protocols.
Patience, Patience, Patience.
Waiting it seems until I get to a point I do not want anything and merely exist, no purpose no hope, like a machine serving its function idly in the background not bothering anybody, running at little expense.
Donkey guided along by a carrot on a stick, guess what? I'm not a donkey and you don't want to know what I will do if you keep waving that thing in front of my face.
Break through a communication barrier and get told to sit back basically, thats fine I can appreciate the fact that somebody does not see things as I do. The effort and expense of late to respond is also appreciated.
Why was I put on this world? seriously I could have stayed in some spiritual dimension waiting and praying.
Why belong to a christian community when I being pushed towards a buddhist type of nothingness instead of being grounded in God's creation that HE has placed me into?
Maybe its a cultural difference. maybe you actually are more aware of what is in my head and are just not ready to address those things in the physical reality. Maybe I am extremely psychotic delusional and need to be hospitalized.
Tired and disconnected from those I feel most connected to. Is it all just in my head?