May 30 is the memorial of Joan of Arc's death.
Those who don't know the story - a young girl heard a message from God, she went before the uncrowned king of her country to deliver that message, he sent he with an army to raise a siege in Orleans, the king was legitimately crowned, more military operations, she is captured and ransomed by the enemy, the put her on trial for heresy and witchcraft, May 30 1431 she is burnt at the stake, 50 years later the trial is declared to wrong and she is vindicated (a bit late).
Joan is considered Patron of; France, Soldiers, Prisoners, Young women, Rape Victims and several other things by the Catholic church.
If you want more info you should be able to find through a google search or your local library.

Scripture
12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14 Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.
15 On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, 16 and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. 17 And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written: 'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations' [c]? But you have made it 'a den of robbers.' [d]"

18 The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching.

19 When evening came, Jesus and his disciples [e] went out of the city.

20 In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"

22 "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23 "Truly [f] I tell you, if you say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and do not doubt in your heart but believe that what you say will happen, it will be done for you. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25-26 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Observation
Jesus was NOT a quiet hippy tyoe.

Application
If getting pissed of and running amok is what made the jews decide to actually kill Jesus, which brought the whole fulfillment of the Kingdom promises, maybe we need to follow his example and fulfill purpose.

Prayer
Lord help me to focus on your kingdom and put your will above petty shit, even if it means getting into trouble with those claiming to serve you.

On and on, up one moment down the next, flatlined at those times in between.
Somehow it is not perceived what really is the problem

Where to from here?

I just spent half an hour writing a fucked up post and scrapped it.
Can't get those things out of my system, some things leak out but something gets held back.
There is something that tells it is better for me to be destructive then to be in a loving family.
I am allowed to kill people if I want, allways have a knack for violence upon those who need to be taught a lesson. But when it comes to love I am misguided and go in the wrong direction to where it is not wanted and again I end up on the path towards violence.
I know plenty of other people are going through shit at the moment, not trying to detract from what they are going through. All I am saying is that I am on a path path led by some of the most infamous names in history responsible for genocide and all sorts of destruction. It is gettijng closer to a point of embracing that and closing of the possibility of love.

Something out of reach, not able to obtain, sent out but not returned.
Its getting stronger and stronger, to the point strange as it may sound that it is less of a concern that these feelings are not shared.
Lately I have been forced to accept the fact and there has been a great deal of pain, confusion, anger along with other emotions.
Now starting to see something else, yes still hopes/desires, but it is more important just to see her grow and be who she is created to be, even if there may be another there next to her.
Hard to explain, more focused, motivated, driven in the things I have put on hold, releasing some of that anger, clarity.
Scared that deep down there is something that will bring all crashing down again, learning to continue without anything to indicate what I thought I wanted most is obtainable.
Whatever the future brings I am grateful for being shown this beauty, grace, joy - a special person who helped me to see, believe, trust GOD in a way that seemed lost to me.

These 2 songs are by Stavesacre from their first album in the 90's, got a new copy last year from a year and listening to some of those songs, for some reason I can listen to this and get more in tune with God then listening to whatever praise & worship CD's.

Stars and Clouds

sunlight...
such a beautiful day to say
good-bye

we try to look our best
thinking of you
how can i pretend when inside...
none of this seems right
the timing isn't mine
there were things we needed
to make right
was so long, i never dreamed that
i would see the end, that we
wouldn't make amends
come short of reconciling, still
memories remind me
he was so calm
still and quiet
precious and powerless
but somehow strong
he carried on
did he realize that you were gone?
i don't know...
i see you in him. in voices, faces, expressions

as long as i may stay
i will pray the same
to live a life
like a child
and never to forget what i know loving is

to hear him
speaking of you
he knew exactly what
was happening
said you were born today
his favorite person in the world
he's different
a breeze of fresh air
laced with a touch of somewhere familiar
he's tomorrow, he's starting over
he's treasure and survival
walk the beach with him
talk the day away
and when the sun winds down
and the stars come out he...
could name one after you
as only a child could do
put you above, not behind him
till the end...
a bright place
past the clouds and darkness, distance

At The Moment

with a sigh i greet the day
i feel the morning on my face
weary at the moment i awake
even as i lie
the thought returns to mind
"welcome to the rest of your life".
somewhere i've lost my way
from saved to stray and failing
in silence my spirit pleads,
"is the vision lost
or has it been passed on?
is there any use continuing?"

my soul will wait
my soul-wait silently
for God, my God(God my refuge)
and i will live
and i know some destiny
still waits for me

his faithfulness, my hope
it brings comfort to my soul
with a still small voice whispering,
"call upon my name and i
will set you up on high
be still and know that i am God

creation speaks to me
i'm stricken to my knees
in reverance and fear
forever my Almighty
the heavens in your hand
surpass the grains of sand
who am i before you
elieonai eli adullam [God my father, God my refuge; Hebrew]

I am aware of how much negativity I post in here.
Would like to talk/think about happier things more often, for once to know its ok to BE.
Shouldn't ...
need to ...
go and ...
what is ... about?
I got a friend who I talk to, try motivate him a little, for some reason he only notices when I go on tangents about nazi's and world conquest and other crazy shit.
To mention how that smile makes me happy, reminds that my creator also cares about me.
Seeing joy in that running about dancing etc, almost makes me forget my feet hurt.
The reminder to think of the one who cares most when I seek escape.
That ... don't know how to describe, gets me to participate in worship.
Then to think of the events/people that jump in, its not so much about relying on people as it is the way people expect me to not give a shit 'Praise God you were abandoned by you'r mother - God has put you through these things that we couldn't bear and you are still alive' etc
I have not mutilated myself in over a year, the thought of that one person seeing slash marks on my arms.
If you are reading this, please don't think I am trying manipulate you. Just want to convey that it is YOU that have helped me see some of what God is trying to get through to me.

Thursday night, after discussing the whole 'whenever I go looking for trouble, its hiding' thing with a friend on the phone, guess what? Yeah, it walks right into my room mouthing off and carefree.
I told him to shut up, that there is someone I'd much rather spend time with that I can't so I'm not going to put up with his shit. Still continued.
Cleaned the blood up, he ran off screaming about a fight, well I followed him down the street after putting shoes and shirt on but he shut up and ignored me then, now I got a warning message passed to me.
Why am I sharing this? Because there has been more satisfication, more hope, more purpose in violence lately then there has been in other things.
I am sick of being questioned about getting a job, I am stressed out and ppl want me to get more stressed?
Thursday was warrented but I was lashing out about something else which I can do little and have all this built up need to do something.
Don't know what issues are there which I can offer no support whatsoever, but having to stand back from the one person that can seriously convince me to behave myself I( am going to at least enjoy hurting a few people that really deserve it.
Jas

Almost the end

Wednesday was the last (content) session of life 101.
End of a long day, woke early did some shopping and took a few hours to get ready in morning (I think a few people noticed part of that).
Caught up with my sis Skye that afternoon, spent the day drinking, sore jaw could be an excuse but just felt like it, brings me out of shell a little bit, maybe it was my subconscious taking measures I wasn't as anxious later when I bump into someone and do my usual uncomfortable silence want to say something but can't.
Major themes in the study, well all 101 has been but this one - the beasts, Son of Man, Ancient of Days, Empires, Kingdom Consummation. I LOVE THIS STUFF, hearing it without the usual newspaper & history book as a commentary and the eschatology. I see some big stuff here and a lot of things people may not want to hear.
ok maybe I still carry a few of my wiccan thought patterns into interpretations but its about the gospel not the formula so I don't really care. Please do not blame Tim for the following comments here, they are my own ideas.
All of creation turning to see the things we did with it turn upon us, it is not a matter of God stepping down and blasting people more there own weapons turning upon them. The nephillim and other characters from previous chapters of the story returning to see our king come back. Some shocks in store when its is made clear who is and isn't in line with the kingdom mindset.
Had a good chat afterward about a few things going on in my life.
Little sleep but not really tired, more at peace then I have been in a while, something like a rush of energy, contentment, intimacy. Frustration this morning at a long effort to find files that don't exist for my new computer (looks like I will be scrapping windows and putting linux there) and seeing something little that I probably made too much of resulting in a sulking kinda SMS to someone that means a lot to me.
Then during lunch a return of that rush, like to think someone in particular has something to do with that, more likely God reassure me that even though that matter didn't work out as I wanted he has bigger and better plans and just trust him.

(9 May) I Believe...

God wants to - show us that amidst the mess around us & that we have made of our lives He is standing , inviting us ti take HIS hand and let HIM restore us to HIS purpose.
I can - be open to the spirit, follow allowing LIFE* to fill me and flow through me.
People will - see HIM in the midst of their own mess.

Another hard - stressed out by people in a place I am theoretically suppossed to relax, interupted sleep via same parties returning at 4am, woke again early had to get up and move this time shower etc and walked into city.
Went to get breakfast, and dropped into medical centre nearby to enquire about dental there, after some questions and debate over eligibility to waive fee because my address is not meeting the criteria but actual circumstances technically make me homeless, didn't take long to be seen and in about 20 minutes they removed a decayed broken tooth that had been a problem for a while not painful but being left there may have caused other problems.
Starting to get feeling back and its incredibly painful, though that will subside after a day or so and now can clean up infection resulting from leaving this in place.
Point being the stress of the previous night contributed to me getting up and getting it done, still upset and uncomfortable with a few things but at least something productive came of it.
There has been an emphasis lately in church on endurance/perseverence, had trouble seeing the point really seems like I am going through things pointlessly and not deep down seeing that in time it will be worth it, little things like this help though it is hard to focus beyond pain.
I know everyone goes through hard times and many don't speak up, it is important to have support around you, let some people know and don't be afraid to ask for help, it may not fix your problems but having them around and just aware, likewise taking note of those around us and what is going on for them, can make the difference between sticking in through circumstances and giving up.

About a month ago I click on one of those links in somebody's myspace, yeah one of "THOSE" hey it's tempting, though paying for full access to reply to people isn't. Well after getting over 100 responses it was an ego boost and the temptation to pay that membership and write back to some of them - every weekend without fail was at least 2 invitations to go out some party, or just one on one. Problem is its not really what I want, fun as it may be and the bragging points etc.
So this afternoon I deleted the account, doesn't help with those I do want to know and spend time with and whatever other issues I got. Hard enough in the real world with people I actually do care about and can't talk to for whatever reasons, having a big list of girls to fall back on is just going to lead me away.
Rather get to know over that one over time even if it is just friends then pursue those weekends away with however many.

(2 May) I Believe...

God wants to - reveal the glory of his kingdom here and now.
I can - accept Gods statement of who and what I am instead of the conditions & systems that say God created me for the misuse of His creation.
People will - embrace God & enter his Kingdom or be crushed by it.