Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I am so sorry...

For the men of my country that visit & use your girls as sex toys,
I am working on doing something about it.

For the inaction while familes are slaughtered,
I am working on doing something about it.

For the corruption sponsered by my lifestyle spending,
I am working on doing something about it.

For making you the popular cause of the week,
I am working on doing something about it.

For treating you as less then me when I offer aid to ease my own conscience,
I am working on doing something about it.

For having only these meagre words to offer,
I am working on doing something about it.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Things to get you up at night.

I allways have trouble sleeping, the last few weeks have been particularly bad, last night I got a call 3 in the morning from a friend I haven't heard from in a while.
She is having problems with demons/ghosts in her house, I got the impression this has been after her boyfriend saw a clairvoyant that cleared them out of his head. I really hate when people go do a job for somebody and solve it by making it other peoples problem.
She wants to sort it out by finding a spell or something to make them mortal (so she can fight back, this girl has a fiery temper...) hence the call to me.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Preparing the troops

Years ago I read the intro of a translations of Sun Tzu's Art of War a legend of the great General.
Seeking to gain employment he sat with an Emperor (I think it was kingdom of Wu, but can't recall now) who asked him to give a demonstration of lining up the troops into formation and called out his 100 concubines for this purpose. The 3 favoured concubines were placed as 1st 2nd and 3rd lietenants respectively.
On giving the order the girls simply giggled, Sun Tzu commented "If the troops will not comply it is the fault of the generals imcompatence in giving the orders.
Second time he gave the order again the girls laughed, Sun Tzu said "If on clarification of the orders the trrops will not submit they are disobedient and unruly." He took out his sword and beheaded the chief concubine placing the next in line in her place.
This time when called all the girls took up their swords and performed all maneuvers perfectly.
The emperor was shocked, Sun Tzu told him "Your Majesty's army is now battle ready."
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There are a few lessons here, first it seems the empeoror did not think through the matter of asking for a demonstration of ability and got something not quite intended.
Second, Sun Tzu took this seriously, not just as a way to demonstrate his ability and took up the challenge to turn these women into good soldiers. He was aware of what the emperor was doing but went and proved his importance to a man not unrstanding the importance of these matters.
Third we have the concubines, fooling around the chief concubine bore the consequence of her inabilty to respect, however her sucesser learned very well.

Friday, September 21, 2007

What do you do after......

numbing pain long enough to think clearly and seeing you have really fucked up and overreacted is putting it mildly.
Whatever the doctor says even if very serious I doubt will excuse this time.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

1 Samuel 30

Scripture - 30:22 - 25
... all the evil men and troublemakers among Davids followers said, "Because they did not go out with us, we will not share with them the plunder we recovered. However each man may take his wife and children and go.'
David replied "No my brothers, you must not do that with what the LORD has given us. He has protected us and handed over to us the forces that came against us. Who will listen to what you say? The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike."
David made this statute and ordinance for Israel from that day to this.
Observation -
The issue was based on a failure to see the contribution of all the men in David's camp, it would have been hard for those who stayed behind not to be able to fight on behalf of their wives and children that had been taken away.
Holding back the plunder shows greed and other motives in why they may have joined up.
Application -
Sometimes ew can be so caught up in our roles that we fail to see the support others have given to our being able to fulfill them. Ensuing arrogance and/or resentment can tear apart Christian Communities.
Prayer - LORD, open my eyes to see how others contribute, to allow them due reward. And grace to forgive those who withhold from me. Amen.

Monday, September 17, 2007

1 Samuel 24

Scripture - 24:1,2
After Saul returned from pursuing the Philistines, he was told, "David is in the Desert of En Gedi." So Saul took three thousand able young men from all Israel and set out to look for David and his men near the Crags of the Wild Goats.
Observation -
In the historical and religious context the crags of wild goats can be seen as a significant locations.
Leviticus 16 describes the ritual practice for the day of Atonement, one goat is the be sacrificed, the other has the sins of the community laid upon it and is driven out into the wilderness.
Being a highly farmed animal it is unusual for a flock of goats to be left wild, unless of course these we're the scapegoats, no one would want to touch or go near these lest they become unclean.
It is common sense for David to hide in such a place as he would be left alone, and symbolically it relects well the situation. Sauls shortcoming were placed upon David and he was driven out, the men with him were largely outcasts.
Application -
Like The goats and David we can feel driven out of the community.
It can be hard to understand when GOD has spoken, yet some people do not want to acknowledge that message from GOD about you.
It can be hard to trust and hope like David, it may be preferable and safer to go away from GOD's people for the sake of one who is disturbed by your presence for safety and out of respect that while they may be in error they are still in the place GOD has put them.
Being promised by GOD and called to a place is not an easy path, the scapegoat has freedom but lacks the protection of the shepherds etc.
It is in GOD's hands for the community once it has laid hands and driven out to overcome its sins, a matter of trust to not take matters into our own hands when this may open up to further pain.
Prayer -
Lord, in this time where still physically in the community I feel ostrasized and unable to fully participate in communion with others who would rather label me and push their desire over anothers needs give me grace to not lash out and understand and respect. Amen

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I Believe Sep 12...

God wants to - nurture the relationships HE has put into my heart as part of the vision/purpose HE has given me.
I can - respond by putting trust where I know it can be placed instead of places of doubt.
People will - listen to the SPIRIT in what they hear/receive instead of KOGAE as I move furthwer according to the SPIRIT rather then KOGAE.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Sun Tzu Said...

Art of War Chapter 1
The art of war is of vital importance to the State.
It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.
The art of war, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one's deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field.
These are: (1) The Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) The Commander; (5) Method and discipline.
The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler, so that they will follow him regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger.
Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times and seasons.
Earth comprises distances, great and small; danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of life and death.
The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerely, benevolence, courage and strictness.
By method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the army in its proper subdivisions, the graduations of rank among the officers, the maintenance of roads by which supplies may reach the army, and the control of military expenditure.
These five heads should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail.
Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:--(1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral law?(2) Which of the two generals has most ability?(3) With whom lie the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth?(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced?(5) Which army is stronger?(6) On which side are officers and men more highly trained?(7) In which army is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?
By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat.
The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!
While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules.
According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one's plans. All warfare is based on deception.
Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.
If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him.
If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant.
If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them.
Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.
These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.
Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose.

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Lost count of the number of times I've read this text, one day would love to be able to read the original and not rely on translations.
Hear a lot of battle metaphors, not many seem willing to read the books and wisdom on strategy. Others may do so but back out when it comes to the possibility of real combat.
My blood is mostly north european, the british were masters at making deals that is why they are today known as Anglo-Saxons who we're in fact invaders, most had one thing in common - WE DO NOT LIKE TO BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT. I take great pride in knowing how much trouble my ancestors caused the romans, well Ghengis Khan made his mark there as well, raping and pillaging along the way who knows how many descendants that guy has...
Society has moved from hunter-gathers to warriors to business, but still the tactics remain some will be reckless and show no regard for others on the battlefield seeking only glory for them self. It seems more honest to run at someone with a sword then to manipulate stocks or play the social games but they are all part of the one art and each has its place.
Imagine if ordinary people dissatisfied with the corruption in the world banded together and thought beyond their petty differences, stopped fighting each other and focused on the dehumanizing systems and cycles, waging war instead of just replacing one regime with another.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I Believe 5 Sep...

Gof wants to - Show that the KINGDOM is here now, nothing more needs to be done other than see it/ believe it/ live it.
I can - stop making/accepting excuses on how things are & conceding further to the corruption in our world.
People will - make their own choices on where they stand & accept honestly their true stance along with the consequences if they refuse to move if need be

Monday, August 27, 2007

What is the Gospel Message?

I saw some people out on Flinders St with some signs "Hell is real" "Repent Now" "Heaven is Real". Now I guess I have to commend their zeal willing to stand there for hours open to ridicule etc, but isn't this getting away a bit from what Jesus preached.
Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. "The time has come," he said. "The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!" Mk 1:14f
So much emphasis on personal salvation, escpaing hell, principles, the point is overlooked by most of the christianity.
The Gospel is a world domination plan by the creator of this world to reclaim it from the ways we have messed it up. We need to stop nit picking over interpretations, cultural issues, social hierarchies. We need to stop playing the game the rest of the world is playing and bring creation back to its original purpose.
Forget all the bullshit, we are destroying the planet and each other, if not directly by inaction and complacency.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

I Believe ... 22 Aug 2007

God wants to - Demonstrate HE is not limited by our faith in building HIS kingdom.
I can - Accept that GOD is in control despite the chaos around me.
People will - Stop talking shit.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I Believe... Aug 2007

God wants to - show us why we are here, break the walls @ chains that keep us from appreciating what HE gave us.
I can - focus myself on seeing that purpose, appreciating what is before me for what it is and respond to it accordingly.
People will - begin to comprehend and harmonise with GOD given purpose.

Restless Night

Got through intro night of 101, hung around and talked a bit after, started to feel anxious but just kept talking to people, eventually I was just standing there for a while, then it got too much.
Got on the phone talking for a while, I think screaming at some points just have to get things acroos and get things done. Tried call 3 people to check up on them (2nd I was worried how it might be taken but needed to do this anyway) but none of them answered and I left message, spoke to another friend.
Sent a bunch of sms check in on some people, trying to pray for them and ask them to pray for me. Got a few SMS back and returned call from the first message, seemed a good thing I tried call him. Started to settle, SMSed a few more and asked them to pray for someone else, not much more I can do.
Didn't sleep much - lying, resting, reflecting, praying, speaking to people (not on phone or in person just trying to tell them things... kinda like esp I guess). Got up with only a few hours but in better shape then most of the last few weeks.
Found some other people had restless nights, one saw something on TV which I am glad was shared, another heard from god some things to be done and learned some new lessons.
Settled after the rushing around, got some peace and reassurence.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Birthright

A friend made an observation the other day when we had been talking "The difference, the only reason I have... and you don't have... is the family I was born into and the family you were been into."
I find it so easy to be condescending to people who have not experienced things I have experienced and have trouble doing things I find fairly easy, forgetting that often these things come from my background and people who have taught me over the years.
Why is so often forgotten that 'at such and such a time I got through it because ... and ... we're pushing me through and supporting.'
If I am just making excuses lets eliminate some of the excuses.
How many people have glasses, take off your glasses, stop making the excuse that you cannot see clearly and do the things you normally do without them, don't cheat and wear contacts. Do it for a week, see if you can maintain your job and get around, then come and talk to me about excuses.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Stupid Computer failures

Just spent an hour working on a review of my all time favourite movie, pasting quotes from the script, searching for words to convey the effect this film had on me, just finished, clicked to add a graphic and... the browser crashed.
All the work lost nothing to show for the time except some downloaded grfx and a txt of the script.
Maybe just type it at home and paste it in here.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Whats with those ad banners?

I know sites need to generate income but this latest one I keep seeing...

You have 1 friend Request
A friend you recently added has a crush on you. Check which one now!
yourdestinyrevealed.net

Hmmmm what could this mean?
Is it one of the gorgeous girls on my contact list?
Is is it one of the guys trying to come out of the closet?
Should I be flattered or freaked out?
And what about those ones that tell you you'r computer is prone top attack by malicious hackers?
I am so thankful to banner ads for reminding me I need some tacky online fortune teller to spell out if a girl may like me (my instincts or even human fortune tellers are not good enough to do this, and my friends can't be trusted to tell me). For instilling paranoia everytime I log on because those nasty hacker terrorists are going to steal my mp3 and photo collection that I spent all those hours downloading, and they could find out my easy to guess passwords.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Boredom

The things we do. Just went to SMSpup to send a reply to someone and started using the fun stuff section because I got so many accumulated points. First the Mystic Pup (You ask a question...) then pickup line, then a bible verse - forward that to somebody, then a fortune, then another fortune, then another questions (I had a good answer just playing with it) then clarify concentrate on question and ask again, then another fortune. I still have over points 270 left to waste.
Summary: -
It is decidely so.
Was You'r father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
And He said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace Luke 7:50.
Tuesday after lunch is the cosmic time of week.
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Concentrate and ask again
Yes - Definetely
You will have long and healthy life.
OK - probably never use the pickup line (feel free to try it out), what does 'cosmic time of week mean'? not sure if I would reply in writing to a threat, Think I allready knew before asking anyway, Uplifteing verse - but I doubt theres any of those hardcore curse type ones in their database.
What now? get on chat rooms and entrap potential predators? Create a web site proclaiming myself to be expert in (what topic this week)? Go for a walk?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Tao the can be told of
Is not the Absolute Tao;
The Names that can be given
Are not Absolute Names.

Opening words to a classic, legend has it Lao Tzu did not want to put his philosophy into writing but on leaving the city gates was harassed to do so and that is why we have the Tao Te Ching. I believe these opening words we're a reiteration of why he did not want to write it down and those who look into this work must take into account these words.
I quote this often to christian friends, not sure if they appreciate hearing words of eastern philosophies but I think there is a lot in this.
I walked away from christina circles because of being berated by people that could not appreciate that I was endeavouring to study the word of God. Today I face some who have learnt much of the christianese phrasebook but are not living new lives.
If we can apply some of these words to our faith we may not be so condescending and start actually 'listening to the spirit' when we deal with other people.
Still got a long way to go, we all do.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

One Eye

Started wearing an eye patch because my double vision is getting very troublesome, the blind spot is a bit of a hassle but it has been easier to focus and do whatever I am doing.

Have copped a few pirate jokes from random strangers as well as friends, also noticed a lot of VERY good looks from girls I pass on the street, seriously this is not a fashion statement as one friend enquired it is to correct my eyesight, but seems to have been taken well by people so the tradeoff of losing some periphal vision weighs up lightly against better concentration & balance, add the excuse to start a fight with smart arse guys and extra smiles from girls and losing the use of my right eye is not even a sacrifice.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

To Create is...

The nature of GOD dimly reflected in us
Aspiring to be what was before we are
Take a piece of nothing, somehow produce something
Then shape it, refine it, polish and adorn it.

To take some random frequencies
Organize them into patterns
Combine the sequences
Loop, reverse, fade out
Melodies of Ecstasy

Opposites join together
Two becoming one
Momentous explosive sensation
As tension crosses the line
A period of incubation
Then new life
Not quite like either
But something of both

Grammar, vocabulary, descriptive pictures
Names, places and times
Somehow a word becomes life
Words in combination bring so many emotions
Associations
Epic battles, romances, family sagas

Clumps of rock cleaned and put together
Heated to melting point
Cast into blocks
At hammer and anvil the block is flattened
More heat to soften\
Shaped, stretched, folded
Coated except for the edge
Placed one last time in the fire
At the right moment taken
Dipped into the cold river
Polished, sharpened, fittings attached
All of this done while in prayer
Sword in sheaf
Wrap and rack

Awaiting the time for the warriors entrance!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

My Ambitions

A few years back when I was less mature then I am now (ie less subtle). I got together with some like minded friends and we used to discuss plans for World Domination. Thought it might be interesting to share these and get some feedback on how I have developed from the megalomaniacal thinking of those years ago.
The following are some of my ideas from this. Keep in mind that I have posted these as I wrote them at the time and not altered to sound more appropriate etc, those that know me will not be too shocked.
PROPAGANDA
We need to start killing people on a regular basis, this will reduce the population thus decreasing the waste of natural resources.
Random acts of violence of a depraved nature will in the long run make the earth a better place. Everyone over the age of 15 should be given a gun and assassination targets on a monthly basis.
Rapists will be used for target practice to ensure that agents have no problem with killing.
We are in the process of building our organization and need dynamic young leaders, preferably with a propensity towards violence. In particular we need young women who can be role models for other girls who feel vulnerable.
Once fully operational we will offer assassinations for a nominal fee, as well as torture and information gathering services.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
I No women, no children
II Political assassination only when corruption can be proven
III Punishment issued for crimes, not religious beliefs
IV Large scale operations only when innocent causalities can be avoided
V Destruction of monuments and property only if life is not taken
VII A soldier's purpose is to fight and die if necessary
VIII Witnesses are a source of propaganda, not a threat
IX Media attention is always to be sought for operations

Thursday, June 28, 2007

NEVEREND
(Unashamed, covered by callous/3x fire)
You call me close-minded,
yet you're not listening.
I give you my hand,
but you push me away.
I'm just trying to help you,
to show you the truth.
I give you my hand,
but you push me away.

Trying my hardest to help you understand,
but you keep turning your back on me,
you keep shutting me out,
you ask for respect,
yet you give none back.
You attack my beliefs,
and the way I live.
Honest and true,
my life is not my own.
To God I give the glory,
I fall to my knees.

Feeling your pain,
you're breaking my heart.
I'm just trying to show you
what God's love is all about.

Crying out to the one,
who will save me from this pain.
On my own, I cannot survive.
My destiny, eternal life.

Falling short of His will for me.
It's nothing that I do.
It's a gift freely given to me.
On My own I cannot survive.

I will be there for you.
When no one else cares.
God will pull us through.
His love neverends.
Somewhere along the way we find the answers we seek, some are not what we want to hear, but often we knew that all along and just didn't want to admit it.
The latest sermon, praise & worship CD, teaching series, or motivational lecture take us as far as we want to go. What point is it that the words start to have real meaning and not just being repeated to convince ourselves?
Heard some amazing things, seen and experienced some even more so, been to places not supposed to go, sometimes done things that are not meant to be possible.
Where I stand now I am more convinced of God's hand in everything, and I do mean everything; those cataclysmic natural disasters, miraculous deliverences, atrocities, acts of true love, new born children, murder, beauty. All fits into GOD's plan.
At a time of deep sorrow accusations of attention seeking and trying to manipulate people. Sticking up for yourself seems to conflict with forgiveness. Encouragement to be cold hearted by people that talk of love, hope, joy. Seek those things from GOD. Unspoken pretext that people are inherently evil and never to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances.
One day GOD is coming down here to make his place with us, are we going to welcome him or be crushed by HIS presence? Only one thing matters...
Some are not supposed to be opened, though that leaves the question of why they are not locked up so well. This not an endorsement for delving into those things, simply an account of my experience and the work of GOD through them.
Around 18 years old I had these 'episodes' voices in my head about being merged to the universal consciousness, seen a lot of stuff about this but it just freaked me out, like the ultimate conspiracy no longer can I have any privacy any secrets or mind of my own. Saw a lot of evil in the world and seemed like a call to join it.
Somewhere it seemed there could be a way to work within the system. A few others I passed in the street would be sending thoughts not to worry etc.
Though my girlfriend at the time I ended joining a church and renouncing the occult stuff, a few years later at a different church and bible college. Didn't keep up with the work, too busy reading to do the essays, repeated the year, second time repeating I dropped out and saw someone about depression.
How do you tell your doctor that 3 weeks ago you heard in your head the exact same words about 'magic pills to make the voices go away"? Seems after a few years it finally gets told they can only treat the 'positive' symptoms - psychosis etc, the 'negative' symptoms - lack of motivation depression etc not so easy to treat.
Started to go back into the occult world, this time a bit more mature, not just shock value satanism. Learned some things, opened a fews doors few would dare to open, and rediscovered the presence of God.
Walking into a few inner city churches I ended up and settled in LE and with the Credo/Urban Seed community.
More doors got opened and I saw things which no human being is supposed to see. In some ways memory problems served as a blessing, despite opportunities which had been missed through not recalling soon enough but those opportunities would only provide tempory material gain anyway.
Someone got in touch with me, we adopted each other, and then it grew more - this was the one apparently that opened the doors for me, now revealed in the form of a child, i will not give her name because some may make assumptions and never see what it means to me.
She popped up a few times in prayer meetings, I may have been seen talking to her, at least one occasion someone responded when I asked the little one to 'get her to show you how to pray' seriously it was later mentioned by one one the aunties how much she got into the prayer.
Seems like I am talking about a spirit guide like in those spooky new age books, could be, though she has no problem with the gospel, in fact affirms more of it then some of the christian community.
Maybe i did something I shouldn't, disturbed someone from her slumber, or was it she that wanted to stay and keep an eye out for me? Or is it a manifestation of one of my friends? could it be an unconscious manifestation?
So many possibilities, one thing is certain - GOD's plan and purpose is working along the course and timing HE has determined. Much as I get angry or upset at delays it is HIS timing and even my outburst seem to be a part of the overall plan..
Well kind of, it is a true story but I thought it illustrated something else well.
I was talking to a friend today about phobias, mine is heights get vertigo at times even when it is someone else on the ledge...
Hers is of Dogs, recounted how sometimes visiting friends they are disturbed by having to put the dog outside or in the laundry when she visits, and will try and make her overcome the fear or make her feel guilty about this.
It is true that getting used to being around dogs will break past that fear, but trying to make her sit with the dog will not do it it will just cause her to run out of the room.
Only when she feels comfortable to make a conscious decision to sit in the same room with a dog and force herself to endure till the fear subsides will it be effective.
There is a situation I feel like this, not like my friend but like the dog, I do understand why I am being put outside but it is hard.
I try to make you get used to me sit down and get past the fear even though I know it will only work when you voluntarily make that effort yourself without being pressured or coerced.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Scripture Ephesians 5:25-33 (TNIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Observation
There is a deep intimacy with our relationship to Christ.
This is not really analogy, more a demonstration of what marriage should be.
Christ sees us as part of himself, goes to extremes for our nurture, care, growth, & sustenance, wants to see the best we can be - not for something nice to look at but because it shows we respect the love he shows towards us.
Application
If we start to really see how much Christ loves us then we can live to the potential HE sees.We do not see Christ as limited, so why see ourselves as limited when he has irrevocably attached himself to us. The more we recognize this the more we will grow like HIM and new life will come from our union with Christ.
Prayer
Help me to always see the love and care you give to me. To respect and reciprocate all that you are and offer. To grow and go out producing LIFE*.
Scripture Ephesians 4:4-6 (message)
You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.
Observation
Everything is connected with and through GOD, that person or thing we find disagreeable is just as much a part of GOD's dominion. Diversity is in expression, not in calling or essence.
Application
Recognise GOD in the places you go, people you encounter, things you do. Know you are allways in GOD's presence fully, no more or less then anybody else.
Prayer
Lord help me to Truly know that YOU are through all and in all, to commune & interact with you in my whole life.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Been going back to 5 years ago, except I don't have the www at home so it just when I get to library or cafe.
Drawing away from the real world and people and living through virtual contact.
After a tantrum and expressing suicidal feelings I had been nurturing for a long time reinforcement of reasons to feel isolated and misunderstood by someone that identifies as a close friend. The further I isolate because I do not know how to express myself in a more positive manner the harder it is to be around other people.
Peace, hope, faith, trust, love - from christian community I often hear of these things along with a bunch of rules and lists of what I need to do before these are available.
Astral projection and similar things are more appealing because at least there it is not asked to be something else all the time.
Someone I can talk to there does not judge, encourages me to reach and engage with the wider community, to know that God loves me regardless of anything - and this is supposedly a demon entity!
The demon may not know how to suggest appropriate behaviour, but at least she brings hope not condemnation, encourages me to persist in this world and wait for God, to cheer up. There are those here also that do those things, without the double talk of putting on the mask of christian pop culture terminology.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Last monday night was a hectic one emotionally, the week before I had been on a massive high friday to friday seriously if I could have distilled it into a pill I would make a fortune from the club scene, then I came down hard.
There was nothing new in what I sent to 5 friends, it was old feelings/ thoughts of suicide. Disconnecion & misunderstanding. Comunication at times difficult. Working on getting these things out. To be grounded and satisied to be in this world.
Of the messages I got (refused to answer the phone that night) one that came in the morning meant the most '...U R Gods precious...nothing u or anyone does can ever stop Him from loving u...'

Monday, June 04, 2007

Been a confusing awkward frustrating time of late.
Pushed into the background, everything is a process of ways and means, protocols.
Patience, Patience, Patience.
Waiting it seems until I get to a point I do not want anything and merely exist, no purpose no hope, like a machine serving its function idly in the background not bothering anybody, running at little expense.
Donkey guided along by a carrot on a stick, guess what? I'm not a donkey and you don't want to know what I will do if you keep waving that thing in front of my face.
Break through a communication barrier and get told to sit back basically, thats fine I can appreciate the fact that somebody does not see things as I do. The effort and expense of late to respond is also appreciated.
Why was I put on this world? seriously I could have stayed in some spiritual dimension waiting and praying.
Why belong to a christian community when I being pushed towards a buddhist type of nothingness instead of being grounded in God's creation that HE has placed me into?
Maybe its a cultural difference. maybe you actually are more aware of what is in my head and are just not ready to address those things in the physical reality. Maybe I am extremely psychotic delusional and need to be hospitalized.
Tired and disconnected from those I feel most connected to. Is it all just in my head?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Uncertainty will always be there, thats part of why we need faith.
People will always let us down, they don't want us to expect to much of them.
Testing is unrelenting, the process in itself is impersonal.
The past week has been a process of healing, unfortunately I find much of this is from tantric new age practices, the words are not cliched, the love is genuine.
This has not wavered my faith, but it brings into question the constant repetition of key phrases, concepts etc in the Christian community, it takes a long time to break through the jargon and hear people speak from their heart.
Why do we answer people with words that we do not have the theological background to explain? Why is it more common to list do's and don'ts then to affirm and reinforce the work god has been and is doing. To restrain someone so they do not sin, instead of love and educate them?
I myself become so arrogant at times, having grown up in a culture that suffers tall poppy syndrome and having some belittle my intelligence just because they can't be bothered trying to learn leaves me feeling more agitated.
The question of God's presence, of Christ's love is not an issue for me. That God uses others to teach me is not a problem. To feel some assume I can't hear God for myself makes me wonder how much the Gospel is really understood.
Ever since I was a baby I knew of God's love, of the gospel. It was in walking away from Christians and going into new age occultic practices I learned to again experience God and not let others dictate to me more superstitions and fallible religious practices (and yes I am referring to born again spirit filled christianity as often superstitious in practice).
I dream of seeing these two worlds brought together, not a syncretistic mix mash religion but the surety that the gospel is the center and not a marketing tool or a misunderstood concept used to mask other motives, people in relationship with each other and with God.
'bible quote'
'christian jargon'
'reference to latest thing god is doing in...'

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

May 30 is the memorial of Joan of Arc's death.
Those who don't know the story - a young girl heard a message from God, she went before the uncrowned king of her country to deliver that message, he sent he with an army to raise a siege in Orleans, the king was legitimately crowned, more military operations, she is captured and ransomed by the enemy, the put her on trial for heresy and witchcraft, May 30 1431 she is burnt at the stake, 50 years later the trial is declared to wrong and she is vindicated (a bit late).
Joan is considered Patron of; France, Soldiers, Prisoners, Young women, Rape Victims and several other things by the Catholic church.
If you want more info you should be able to find through a google search or your local library.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Scripture
12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14 Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.
15 On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, 16 and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. 17 And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written: 'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations' [c]? But you have made it 'a den of robbers.' [d]"

18 The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching.

19 When evening came, Jesus and his disciples [e] went out of the city.

20 In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"

22 "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23 "Truly [f] I tell you, if you say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and do not doubt in your heart but believe that what you say will happen, it will be done for you. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25-26 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Observation
Jesus was NOT a quiet hippy tyoe.

Application
If getting pissed of and running amok is what made the jews decide to actually kill Jesus, which brought the whole fulfillment of the Kingdom promises, maybe we need to follow his example and fulfill purpose.

Prayer
Lord help me to focus on your kingdom and put your will above petty shit, even if it means getting into trouble with those claiming to serve you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

On and on, up one moment down the next, flatlined at those times in between.
Somehow it is not perceived what really is the problem

Where to from here?

I just spent half an hour writing a fucked up post and scrapped it.
Can't get those things out of my system, some things leak out but something gets held back.
There is something that tells it is better for me to be destructive then to be in a loving family.
I am allowed to kill people if I want, allways have a knack for violence upon those who need to be taught a lesson. But when it comes to love I am misguided and go in the wrong direction to where it is not wanted and again I end up on the path towards violence.
I know plenty of other people are going through shit at the moment, not trying to detract from what they are going through. All I am saying is that I am on a path path led by some of the most infamous names in history responsible for genocide and all sorts of destruction. It is gettijng closer to a point of embracing that and closing of the possibility of love.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Something out of reach, not able to obtain, sent out but not returned.
Its getting stronger and stronger, to the point strange as it may sound that it is less of a concern that these feelings are not shared.
Lately I have been forced to accept the fact and there has been a great deal of pain, confusion, anger along with other emotions.
Now starting to see something else, yes still hopes/desires, but it is more important just to see her grow and be who she is created to be, even if there may be another there next to her.
Hard to explain, more focused, motivated, driven in the things I have put on hold, releasing some of that anger, clarity.
Scared that deep down there is something that will bring all crashing down again, learning to continue without anything to indicate what I thought I wanted most is obtainable.
Whatever the future brings I am grateful for being shown this beauty, grace, joy - a special person who helped me to see, believe, trust GOD in a way that seemed lost to me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

These 2 songs are by Stavesacre from their first album in the 90's, got a new copy last year from a year and listening to some of those songs, for some reason I can listen to this and get more in tune with God then listening to whatever praise & worship CD's.

Stars and Clouds


sunlight...
such a beautiful day to say
good-bye

we try to look our best
thinking of you
how can i pretend when inside...
none of this seems right
the timing isn't mine
there were things we needed
to make right
was so long, i never dreamed that
i would see the end, that we
wouldn't make amends
come short of reconciling, still
memories remind me
he was so calm
still and quiet
precious and powerless
but somehow strong
he carried on
did he realize that you were gone?
i don't know...
i see you in him. in voices, faces, expressions

as long as i may stay
i will pray the same
to live a life
like a child
and never to forget what i know loving is

to hear him
speaking of you
he knew exactly what
was happening
said you were born today
his favorite person in the world
he's different
a breeze of fresh air
laced with a touch of somewhere familiar
he's tomorrow, he's starting over
he's treasure and survival
walk the beach with him
talk the day away
and when the sun winds down
and the stars come out he...
could name one after you
as only a child could do
put you above, not behind him
till the end...
a bright place
past the clouds and darkness, distance

At The Moment



with a sigh i greet the day
i feel the morning on my face
weary at the moment i awake
even as i lie
the thought returns to mind
"welcome to the rest of your life".
somewhere i've lost my way
from saved to stray and failing
in silence my spirit pleads,
"is the vision lost
or has it been passed on?
is there any use continuing?"

my soul will wait
my soul-wait silently
for God, my God(God my refuge)
and i will live
and i know some destiny
still waits for me

his faithfulness, my hope
it brings comfort to my soul
with a still small voice whispering,
"call upon my name and i
will set you up on high
be still and know that i am God

creation speaks to me
i'm stricken to my knees
in reverance and fear
forever my Almighty
the heavens in your hand
surpass the grains of sand
who am i before you
elieonai eli adullam [God my father, God my refuge; Hebrew]

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I am aware of how much negativity I post in here.
Would like to talk/think about happier things more often, for once to know its ok to BE.
Shouldn't ...
need to ...
go and ...
what is ... about?
I got a friend who I talk to, try motivate him a little, for some reason he only notices when I go on tangents about nazi's and world conquest and other crazy shit.
To mention how that smile makes me happy, reminds that my creator also cares about me.
Seeing joy in that running about dancing etc, almost makes me forget my feet hurt.
The reminder to think of the one who cares most when I seek escape.
That ... don't know how to describe, gets me to participate in worship.
Then to think of the events/people that jump in, its not so much about relying on people as it is the way people expect me to not give a shit 'Praise God you were abandoned by you'r mother - God has put you through these things that we couldn't bear and you are still alive' etc
I have not mutilated myself in over a year, the thought of that one person seeing slash marks on my arms.
If you are reading this, please don't think I am trying manipulate you. Just want to convey that it is YOU that have helped me see some of what God is trying to get through to me.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Thursday night, after discussing the whole 'whenever I go looking for trouble, its hiding' thing with a friend on the phone, guess what? Yeah, it walks right into my room mouthing off and carefree.
I told him to shut up, that there is someone I'd much rather spend time with that I can't so I'm not going to put up with his shit. Still continued.
Cleaned the blood up, he ran off screaming about a fight, well I followed him down the street after putting shoes and shirt on but he shut up and ignored me then, now I got a warning message passed to me.
Why am I sharing this? Because there has been more satisfication, more hope, more purpose in violence lately then there has been in other things.
I am sick of being questioned about getting a job, I am stressed out and ppl want me to get more stressed?
Thursday was warrented but I was lashing out about something else which I can do little and have all this built up need to do something.
Don't know what issues are there which I can offer no support whatsoever, but having to stand back from the one person that can seriously convince me to behave myself I( am going to at least enjoy hurting a few people that really deserve it.
Jas

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Almost the end


Wednesday was the last (content) session of life 101.
End of a long day, woke early did some shopping and took a few hours to get ready in morning (I think a few people noticed part of that).
Caught up with my sis Skye that afternoon, spent the day drinking, sore jaw could be an excuse but just felt like it, brings me out of shell a little bit, maybe it was my subconscious taking measures I wasn't as anxious later when I bump into someone and do my usual uncomfortable silence want to say something but can't.
Major themes in the study, well all 101 has been but this one - the beasts, Son of Man, Ancient of Days, Empires, Kingdom Consummation. I LOVE THIS STUFF, hearing it without the usual newspaper & history book as a commentary and the eschatology. I see some big stuff here and a lot of things people may not want to hear.
ok maybe I still carry a few of my wiccan thought patterns into interpretations but its about the gospel not the formula so I don't really care. Please do not blame Tim for the following comments here, they are my own ideas.
All of creation turning to see the things we did with it turn upon us, it is not a matter of God stepping down and blasting people more there own weapons turning upon them. The nephillim and other characters from previous chapters of the story returning to see our king come back. Some shocks in store when its is made clear who is and isn't in line with the kingdom mindset.
Had a good chat afterward about a few things going on in my life.
Little sleep but not really tired, more at peace then I have been in a while, something like a rush of energy, contentment, intimacy. Frustration this morning at a long effort to find files that don't exist for my new computer (looks like I will be scrapping windows and putting linux there) and seeing something little that I probably made too much of resulting in a sulking kinda SMS to someone that means a lot to me.
Then during lunch a return of that rush, like to think someone in particular has something to do with that, more likely God reassure me that even though that matter didn't work out as I wanted he has bigger and better plans and just trust him.

(9 May) I Believe...


God wants to - show us that amidst the mess around us & that we have made of our lives He is standing , inviting us ti take HIS hand and let HIM restore us to HIS purpose.
I can - be open to the spirit, follow allowing LIFE* to fill me and flow through me.
People will - see HIM in the midst of their own mess.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Another hard - stressed out by people in a place I am theoretically suppossed to relax, interupted sleep via same parties returning at 4am, woke again early had to get up and move this time shower etc and walked into city.
Went to get breakfast, and dropped into medical centre nearby to enquire about dental there, after some questions and debate over eligibility to waive fee because my address is not meeting the criteria but actual circumstances technically make me homeless, didn't take long to be seen and in about 20 minutes they removed a decayed broken tooth that had been a problem for a while not painful but being left there may have caused other problems.
Starting to get feeling back and its incredibly painful, though that will subside after a day or so and now can clean up infection resulting from leaving this in place.
Point being the stress of the previous night contributed to me getting up and getting it done, still upset and uncomfortable with a few things but at least something productive came of it.
There has been an emphasis lately in church on endurance/perseverence, had trouble seeing the point really seems like I am going through things pointlessly and not deep down seeing that in time it will be worth it, little things like this help though it is hard to focus beyond pain.
I know everyone goes through hard times and many don't speak up, it is important to have support around you, let some people know and don't be afraid to ask for help, it may not fix your problems but having them around and just aware, likewise taking note of those around us and what is going on for them, can make the difference between sticking in through circumstances and giving up.

Friday, May 04, 2007

About a month ago I click on one of those links in somebody's myspace, yeah one of "THOSE" hey it's tempting, though paying for full access to reply to people isn't. Well after getting over 100 responses it was an ego boost and the temptation to pay that membership and write back to some of them - every weekend without fail was at least 2 invitations to go out some party, or just one on one. Problem is its not really what I want, fun as it may be and the bragging points etc.
So this afternoon I deleted the account, doesn't help with those I do want to know and spend time with and whatever other issues I got. Hard enough in the real world with people I actually do care about and can't talk to for whatever reasons, having a big list of girls to fall back on is just going to lead me away.
Rather get to know over that one over time even if it is just friends then pursue those weekends away with however many.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

(2 May) I Believe...


God wants to - reveal the glory of his kingdom here and now.
I can - accept Gods statement of who and what I am instead of the conditions & systems that say God created me for the misuse of His creation.
People will - embrace God & enter his Kingdom or be crushed by it.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Time out, refresh, reflect...


Got away for the weekend with the people doing the Alpha Course at church. Good to get away and refocus.
Got some things coming up, been painful and i've barely even scratched the surface, digging into things I couldn't even bear remembering at one point though it was allways there gnawing at me.
Talking to friends about anger issues and a vigilante type of attitude the whole 'thats makes you as bad as them' doesn't help when you're talking about a little boy trapped and desperate to get away after what was done to him and his friends who found a way out and can't allow himself to remember what happened or what he did to get away from them, feeling guilty because he couldn't help the others.
I know everyone goes through hard times, and has felt pain, letting go is easier when you know what you are letting go of and I am only starting to really see what it is I have been holding onto.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Post Trauma Climactic Oblivion


Gone from angry to somewhat apathetic, got to let some things sink in, seems as though I can use will power to do and not do certain things, but to want anything to feel anything I am subjected to someone stepping in with 'thats not allowed' 'its all in your imagination' 'too bad you can't have it, we can have what we want and what we want is to see confined in a little box.
At least I got confirmation that someone does read what I put in here, someone that likes to eat ice cream when its raining - thanks for letting me know that you hear me and thought enough to talk to me about it even if you may not understand what I am going through at the moment, I don't know you that well but I do think you are more a friend then some that are more like associates although they use the friend and family labels.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

(18 Apr) I Believe...


God wants to - lead me, speak to me.
I can - admit what I see is not God, what I hear is not God's voice.
People will - stop trying to peak on God's behalf and let God speak.

Monday, April 16, 2007

How long has it been? cycling through this phase of questioning and whatever...
Put some thoughts up here though chances are nobody I know sees it so the point of saying it at all is???
Been in one of those moods again, no I mean really ANGRY. Try to say things they come out wrong, to get somebody's attention but not too hard because then I have to deal with she don't want to talk to me.
And meanwhile the rest of life is moving along, can this one thing really be bothering me that much? Why is it? could it be that I got 50+ msgs from girls I don't know willing to ... but nearly collapse going up to one in particular, well face to face is different.
I have no idea who could be reading this, doesn't matter.
A friend went on a rampage recently over similar issues, I restrained myself but still pissed off.
Came close to stomping on someones head, apparently the fact that i like an asian girl means I should be killed, be nice if someone had the guts to act on this type of thing, it would be satisfying to beat them to a bloody pulp even if it gets me locked up for a long time.
A straight answer will at least give indicator that optimism is based on delusion. Conflicting thoughts, tried to get it sorted out in a pathetic little sms still waiting on a reply. Then why is it so hard to just go up and talk to her? Maybe it is easier to go on a rampage, and see who will visit me in jail.
Got real potential to be a newsworthy psychopath, but honestly I would rather a family in a nice area with lots of trees and room for pets to run around.
A friend asked what am I waiting for, what is holding me back from what I want, well the games involved in dealing with people, expectations to do things and neglect what gives some happiness in my life.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

(11 Apr 2007) I Believe...


God Wants To - renew my thinking back to HIS intention, all the thoughts, patterns, cycles set to HIS purpose in creating me.
I Can - perceive GOD working on the processes in my head and the environment I am in & spur me on to break through the barriers.
People Will - see what has been/is being reset and respond to it & allow their thoughts/ patterns to be reestablished to HIS purposes.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

(04 Apr 2007) I Believe...


God wants to - lead us to be his sons/daughters by which the creation will be restored.
I can - start to see beyond and in the midst of all.
People will - follow when they see clearly before them.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

So much in life that happens with no sense to it?
Pain and vomiting but I am not sick. It is easy to hurt people, too easy, somehow to get them close is difficult.
Have cause some trouble mainly because of I person I can't get close to, feel not welcome there at times, tolerated but not wanted, I see others can get time - the effort of leaving the house. Can't get attention any other way so I have to cause pain and destruction.
Life is so full of games, don't want to play games, just want to be close to those I feel close to without having to go by some stupid rule book.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

(28 Mar 2007) I Believe...


God wants to - reach in to the dark cluttered world we create, place all back to its rightful place.
I can - either allow myself to be renewed or remain and be trampled.
People will - be affected whether they embrace God's purpose or continue to resist it.

(21 Mar 2007) I Believe...


God wants to - show us the purpose in his creation. Bring order to the chaos & mess we have brought into our lives and world.
I can - be open to see what God is showing me. Defer judgement, choose to see the good in what is before me. Avoid plating the role of Satan.
People will - shown/given purpose take hold of LIFE*. Finding meaning seek the creator, not Knowledge of Good And Evil.

(14 Mar 2007) I Believe...


God wants to - have ALL creation appreciated and acknowledged for what it is, used in the way He intends, reflecting Him in ALL.
I can - choose to ask 'What is God's purpose in this?'; seek to use as He intends and share what he has given me.
People will - consider the reasons.
About a month ago we started Life 101 at church, basically this is an overview of the biblical story and a look at where we are today in terms of God's plan. I placed links to 2 peoples blog/reflections from this, I had intended to post some of my own here but time and other factors...
From a motivated and focused start to the year things have plummeted, living arrangement and relational problems have started diverting away. Some points covered in 101 have left me thinking about problems in my own life, personal shortcomings, escapism, playing the role of Satan when dealing with friends to name a few.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Started off the year with some big goals and took some steps, then lost momentum, getting back to working on those things. There is confusion in my life and sometimes it would be preferable to be in a cell somewhere with no human contact.
Fact is there is a big difference between what God tells me to do and what other believers think God is telling me to do, not to say I am totally obedient, but it is getting annoying to see people focus on superficial, external stereotypes and pay no attention to real issues in somebodies life.
I am grateful for peoples concern, but too often a claim is made 'God told me...' and then what follows is of little relevance or obviously filled with personal bias.
In the outside world I have seen lots of games of 'I know...' 'You know what to do' with lots of assumptions and/or manipulation with little said that can be of any use.
Sorting through good and bad advice is distracting from the real point 'listen to what God says'.
Giving it too him is not quite as easy as it sounds, that can mean sitting in a catatonic state and taking no action at all. But this is preferable to pleasing every human and not hearing from God myself.