Where to from here?

I just spent half an hour writing a fucked up post and scrapped it.
Can't get those things out of my system, some things leak out but something gets held back.
There is something that tells it is better for me to be destructive then to be in a loving family.
I am allowed to kill people if I want, allways have a knack for violence upon those who need to be taught a lesson. But when it comes to love I am misguided and go in the wrong direction to where it is not wanted and again I end up on the path towards violence.
I know plenty of other people are going through shit at the moment, not trying to detract from what they are going through. All I am saying is that I am on a path path led by some of the most infamous names in history responsible for genocide and all sorts of destruction. It is gettijng closer to a point of embracing that and closing of the possibility of love.